Junk Food For Thought

Random Musings by JC

Independence Day really got me thinking about how truly independent the U.S. is… Except for Arab oil… And Mexican labor… And Chinese manufacturing… And Indian tech support…

I’m not saying she’s ugly but she’s invariably standing among several people who have turned to stone.

I’ve lost some weight but I know where to find it .

Our friend said she wanted a breast augmentation but was unsure about it. I suggested that she try just one breast to see if she likes it.

Isn't it a paradox that Martin Luther King Day takes kids out of school?

When I have laryngitis I feel like the hoarse whisperer.

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Some say my friend Jim Stafford is a cross between Yakoff Smirnoff and Ray Stevens. Well, that’s a cross he just can’t bear.

If I ever have a band, I'll call it Outstanding Bill and the Deadbeats.

The Salad of the Bad Cafe.

Is it James Bond or James Brown? I always get those two confused.

Bowling shirts are always funny and always out of style.

Our basketball team won 96 to 54. That sounds like members of our city council comparing IQs.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.

Stay away from Ecstasy. It’s a drug that's so strong, it makes white people think they can dance.

There’s a polarization with baseball caps. If you wear it backwards, you’re hip or hip hop. If you wear it forwards or regular, you’re NASCAR.

Viewer discretion applies to all TV shows. If you’re watching that junk in the first place you don’t have much discretion.

It’s too small a town for dinner theater. We have Snack Bar Theater.

Just what is licorice anyway?

The ACLU and sometimes Y.

They suggest you purchase your tickets ahead of time. How can you be ahead of time?

If I were king, I'd get rid of the word “whom” and pennies.

If your attempt to look hip looks like you’re wearing a disguise, it’s not working.

Dennis Miller used to be funny. Then he became a Republican and Republicans are funny only unintentionally.

I had to get a new computer a few months ago because mine crashed…after I kicked it. The insurance company wouldn’t cover my broken toe. They said stupidity is a pre-existing condition.

I was gonna take that Evelyn Wood speed reading course. Instead I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

Once I played a cruise with 300 members of the Hair Club for Men. A gust of wind came up and the deck looked like a cow pasture.

Alabama is not an expensive place to live, unless you’re the tooth fairy. And it has lots of famous people. Over ten percent of the population has been on the TV show, Cops.

I usually fly assistant coach. When the oxygen masks drop down they don’t work unless you put a quarter in the slot.

There’s a fine line between “outfit” and “getup.”

Diaper spelled backwards is repaid.

I was lying on the bed reviewing the highlights of my life and fell asleep.

Seattle gets so much rain that I think of it as the country’s bladder.

 

Why do they have boxing at the Goodwill Games?

How is it that George Washington slept so many places but never told a lie?

I've found that most members of the religious right that I've met are neither religious nor right.

I think the only person other than Prince Charles who would have dated Camilla Parker Bowles, would have been Ray Charles.

When I was a kid my dad would occasionally utter some curse word. Then he'd always say, "Pardon my French." Of course it never really affected me until I got to the first grade and the teacher said, "Does anybody know a foreign language?"

Naming a national forest after Ronald Reagan is like naming a day care center after Michael Jackson.

I think we should use moderation in moderation.

I had a friend who used to dance as the rear end of one of those Vaudeville two-man dancing horses. But one day my friend broke his leg and they shot his partner in the head.

Does a light year have fewer calories than a regular year?

I looked at my calendar and noticed that its days are numbered.

It doesn't take all kinds; we just have all kinds.

Could it be that all those people who used to see UFOs are now too busy watching Jerry Springer?

The Rolling Stones just announced a new tour. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing forty in the fast lane with its blinker on.

Why is it when you leave bread and crackers out at room temperature, the bread becomes hard and the crackers become soft?

You can never find a lost-and-found when you need one.

I like my wife's in-laws much better than my own.

Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it.

Why is there handicapped parking at the roller rink?

Do we need the weather guy or gal to tell us to wear a jacket, take an umbrella or bring the pets in? Just tell me what the weather’s gonna be and I’ll figure how to deal with it.

No matter what you do, there’s somebody who knew you would.

I can’t stand “I Brake For Animals” bumper stickers. Everybody brakes for animals. I’m sure hardened criminals brake for animals. Those weenies with the bumper stickers just want to be congratulated on it beforehand.

We have a day, the Great American Smokeout, where everyone gives up smoking. To be fair, we should have a day where everyone has to smoke.

My goal is to speak Esperanto like a native.

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

Woman are sneaky and always have been. Adam didn’t want to eat that apple, Eve slipped it to him in the Waldorf salad.

"Call me Ishmael"…. or call my voice mail.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.

If you’d like to learn some Spanish you can start by calling your bank and pressing the #2 button.

I think it’s kinda funny that you finally reach a point where you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Those commercials tell you to ‘say it with flowers.’ I’ve found that sometimes you have unsay it with flowers.

My wife is thinner than both of us put together.

Don't you wish somebody would invent an elevator that would actually come faster if you keep pressing the button?

I got a book entitled Finance for Dummies.  I opened it and it said, "If you think we're gonna give away all our secrets, you're dumber than we thought."

At my house, fast food is whatever we put in the dog’s dish.

My friend Harlow got a job as dogcatcher. He knows he’s supposed to catch dogs but he doesn’t know at what.

If you buy a foreign cookbook I wonder if you’ll have trouble getting parts for the meals.

Sometimes I march to an indifferent drummer.

Never eat a lollipop downwind of a leaf blower.

I subscribe to a discount cable TV service. It’s called the Jumper Cable Network.

Do Cowboys use Chapstick to put their chaps on?

Who was Jehoshaphat and why was he jumping?

Why aren’t roach clips called pot holders?

There's one good thing about being wrong: the sheer joy it brings to others.

It was colder than a TWA dinner roll.

I'm not sure if it takes a village to raise a kid but I do know it takes
one to get cable.

When I see televangelists I think that the first thing God must have done
when he came into their lives was their hair.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

I told my wife I wanted an antique for my birthday so she framed my birth
certificate.

Disney wants to purchase the British Isles, fence them in and call them the
United Magic Kingdom.

I dated a Jewish American Indian Princess. Her name was January White Sale.

Entertainment is my business. So, if you're not entertained, it's none of
my business.

I bought some sheet music that had a misprint. The first line read: Frankie and Johnny were movers.

The cops are tough in my town. I saw them give a handicapped guy a ticket
for parking in a regular parking space.

Poor Superman. Now that everybody has a cell phone, he can't find a place
to change clothes.

If you get Herpes from your neighbor it's called Herpes Duplex.

With all the layoffs at Disney, their latest film will be called 39
Dalmatians.

The figures are in, and I'm now officially the 37th hardest working man in
show business.

My best friend and I have known each other for decades; since Jumpstreet was a dirt road.

My new Cd is being shipped plywood.

I asked the cab driver in Mount Dora where the action was and he took me to
a place where they fish illegally.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu. I think I've forgotten this before.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people; it was just a few years ago that we were all swept away by the Macarena.

A fifties song: I'm a Teenager On a Runaway Horse, Whoa, Whoa.

If Bo Derek married Bo Diddley, she'd be Bo Diddley.

I hope there's a book entitled Ventriloquism For Dummies.

The best things in life are free...and the cheapest things in life are also
free ....with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I think there should be a big and tall men's shop for women.

Never say, "surprise me" to your hairstylist.

There's no such thing as a dumb question. Well, maybe there is but I'm not
smart enough to think of one.

It occurred to me that, ironically, tea isn't my cup of tea.

Jim's Bad Driver Rules:

    1.) Bad drivers are bad in direct proportion to the number of bumper
    stickers on their car. The more stickers you see, the worse they drive.

    2.) A car will travel at a rate of speed that's in inverse proportion to
    its number of bumper stickers. The more stickers, the slower the speed.

    3.) The less distance a driver has to go, the more likely he is to pull out
    in front of you.

It's human nature for people to stand in hallways and doorways.

Singers who wear headsets always make me think of Julie, the Time-Life
operator.

I got the book The Idiot's Guide to Computers and immediately got it jammed
in my VCR.

I drove by Ray Charles' house one night and all the lights were out. I
guess he was working late.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I ate at an Afro/Mexican restaurant called Nacho Mama.

Our little dog is just like one of the family. But I'm not gonna say which
one.

I told the hot dog vendor that the sauerkraut looked a little old. And he
said, "What sauerkraut?"

My agent has a business card with a logo depicting the two classic
theatrical masks, except they're both tragedy.

I saw a big-haired redheaded woman today. She looked like a lit match.

If you get a chance, give me a buzz. Or if you get a buzz, give me a chance.

Few people know that the original title of Jimi Hendrix' Purple Haze was Gabby Hays.

It's a school of fish, a pride of lions, a pod of whales and a rack of lamb.

If I had an agnostic singing group I'd call them the Questionnaires.

I think there are some people who just don’t know how to drive a car properly. I call these people, “Everyone but me.”

Our neighbor’s dog is half pit bull and half poodle. He's not much of a watch dog but he's a vicious gossip.

Take my advice…I’m not using it anyway.

This New Year I resolved to finish whatever I…oh never mind.

One thing I like about these new color-coded states of alert: they take the guess-work out of being terrified.

What's after an orange alert, grapefruit?

The phrase, put your money where your mouth is, had to be invented by my dentist.

When I dance I never know what to do with my mind.

She used to have an hourglass figure. Now it’s more like an hour and a half.

Bumper Sticker: Honk if You're Against Noise Pollution

Am I seeing things or is that a mirage?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

You must stop taking advice from other people.

He's going to commit suicide or die trying.

I used to be an agnostic but now I'm not sure.

My act fills a much needed void.

Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.



All material copyrighted 2006.